Post #1 – What the Fuck is Going on With Me? A Brief Overview

W here:

I fucked up. I fucked up hard, and in a colossal way. But let’s back up.

I’m a sex and porn addict. I’ve been able to keep it hidden for quite some time. I first remember discovering porn through LimeWire (Yeah, I’m that old), and downloading it in the middle of the night on the family computer. I’d masturbate, and then shut down the computer. I would go out of my way to make sure that no one would possibly find out, until I was caught. That shut it down for a little bit, once I was “trusted” again to be on the computer without supervision, I slipped right back into my old ways. I kept it under wraps for a long time.

Fast forward to “now”. My girlfriend and I decided to open our relationship. The moral of this story isn’t to do that or not to do that, but of something else. It was fun while it lasted, but I think it exacerbated the underlying issue here. When we started, everything was “okay”, benign, nothing was out of the ordinary. But I started to slip into my old ways. I started to think about sex all the time. I was (re: am) consumed by the opportunities that were laid out before me and I was thinking about sex nearly non-stop. Whenever I had the opportunity to talk to someone else, I become a different person, as if a switch was flipped. I would push and push and push until I got what I wanted to know – what I needed to know, what I craved. It became like chasing a high, that I could never fully obtain. I needed that high, it was all I could do to chase it, not unlike a drug and every time I thought I had it, my need for more increased.

I was talking to someone that I thought I could confide in. As it turns out, she essentially baited me into telling more things, and asking about her past, etc. Now that’s a shitty thing to do, sure, however what I did was far worse. I took it too far – way too far. I was asking her deeply personal questions, and responding to them in a way that was exceedingly inappropriate. I was under the impression that it was “okay” because in my mind, I didn’t cross any of her boundaries. So, everything was all above board, so to speak. We ended the conversation after a bit, and I thought everything was fine between us. It wasn’t until a few days later that she sent me a message explaining everything, pointing out how disgusting I was, explaining how I made her feel and overall, just making sure that I understood that she was not happy with me (to say the least).

I accepted responsibility for my words and actions, and upon a short reflection, I sent her a message to apologize for everything that I had said and done. She accepted it, and then we went out with our lives. She then messaged me two days later, pointing out some of the more disgusting sections of what I said and asked, and it cut me to my core. I then began to realize how I think of women in general, and how I approach sensitive conversations. I sent out a few apologies to some women in my life, and to my surprise, I realized that how I treat the women close to me in life, is reprehensible. I have left my addictions permeate every facet of my life, and that is inexcusable. The way I treat people, women in particular is vile, gross, and unacceptable. I am have become a toxic male, and that doesn’t sit right with me.

Originally, I had planned on making this website as a series of blog posts for my girlfriend and I to share our experiences in communication and our relationship overall. I still want to do that, however I shall be incorporating my own personal journey in dealing with and overcoming my addictions. Even if I only reach 1 other person out there, I’ll have considered this a success. As for now, it’ll just be a journaling device.

I hope you stick around for the journey.